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I have been remote since COVID and none of my team is located near me. I have young kids, and they take up much of my free time after work. Getting into middle age, I have lost touch with most of my old friends. Work used to fill my social bucket when I went into an office.

I love the flexibility of remote work, but now I feel like I have almost no social contact, and it really sucks. How do I make working remotely less lonely?

TLDR below 👇 | Read this on the web | Subscribe

The most common advice you’ll receive for this is to join a coworking space. But I think there’s a deeper need that requires addressing here: You’re asking too much from your work.

You should rely on your job for income and (if you’re lucky) work fulfillment. You should not rely on your job for mental wellness factors like filling your social quota.

These inflated expectations are not your fault. For decades, we’ve gotten used to our friends being chosen for us by who we are in proximity to at school and then later at work. Companies have encouraged this bad habit for their own benefit. But what happens if you lose your job? Switch jobs? Retire?

These are already huge, stressful life events without adding the additional pressure of losing all social bonds along with them. Luckily, remote work has brought this need to your attention before you’re in that position. You are now in a new environment where you can no longer rely on who HR chooses for you to be around.

The downside is this requires learning a new skill and more effort. The upside is you now get to spend more time with people you choose, which allows for deeper, closer relationships. So, a higher upfront effort for a better long-term reward.

The first step is to take time to understand yourself and consider the type of person you love having in your life. Determine where you can find people like that.

Second, understand that you are no longer living in the age of pandemic remote. You have options. Working remotely no longer means being isolated.

And third, use the flexibility of remote work to put you in the best position to be surrounded by like-minded people.

Here are some ideas to get you started (remember, take what works, leave what doesn’t):

Spend more time with people you’ve already chosen (ex. Create a coffee break ritual with your spouse)
Design your new commute to put you around people (ex. Instead of jumping into Slack as soon as you wake up, go for a morning swim at a local pool or stop at a cafe after dropping the kids off at daycare)
Pull your internet friends into real life (ex. Join online communities and host local events)
Get involved in your local community (ex. Meet your neighbors, run for local office, help out with your kid’s activities, etc.)
Get out of the house during the day (ex. Take a lunch break with a friend or try out walking meetings)
Reconnect with old friends (Imagine how happy you’d feel if one of them spontaneously reached out to you. The feeling likely goes both ways)
Get yourself out of the pandemic rut and create some new experiences (ex. Go to all of the events you were never able to before: gaming conventions, concerts, conferences, etc.)
Put yourself in the best environment to create lasting relationships (ex. move to be closer to family/friends or to a city with a culture of like-minded people)

In my last in-person role, I was surrounded by people who made me feel unsafe and unhappy. Today, I spend every day with people who are supportive and fun. They challenge me to think differently and root me on. This reflects positively in my work.

It’s time for you to start cultivating relationships you choose rather than fall into. While this may not be the easy answer you hoped for, it is worth it.

Would love to hear what's worked for you! Reply to this email and let me know how you make working remotely feel less lonely.

TLDR

Reminder: Remote work does not mean never seeing people again.

It means spending time with people you choose (rather than HR choosing for you) every day.

As with anything worthwhile: Higher upfront effort, greater long-term reward.

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Quote of the Week

Negative emotions like loneliness, envy, and guilt have an important role to play in a happy life; they're big, flashing signs that something needs to change.

- Gretchen Rubin

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